Mixed Feelings...

I'm in an interesting place right now. I finally had sex with Mr. Editor, but something is off. I'm trying to do the whole casual sex thing, but in doing so it makes me not like him as much, which makes me less attracted to him. I'm not too sure I can separate my feelings from sex with him because it's making me not interested. When I do think of him more romantically I feel different, but I'm trying not to because I don't want my feelings to get hurt.

I know what he told me and I'm trying to keep that in mind. Still my mind begins to wonder and I start to think of the little things that he does are special for me. He holds me all night, I don't know how it is comfortable for either one of us but it is, and I lay there in his arms, entwined in his legs, all night. Anytime he sends me a little text message out of the blue I take it as a bigger gesture than it really is. I know that a stupid goodnight text message is no big deal, but when you aren't getting anything else from that person you appreciate the attention too much.

I know my own rules, but I have a hard time following them. Maybe I just can't do this with him? I'm not going to declare any decision at this moment because I am certain it will be different tomorrow. I'm a little blue in the art of older men tonight. I even had an older man than Mr. Editor take a look at me tonight, but he didn't do anything about it. He kept looking at me and I smiled at him, but no gesture. Possibly he thought himself too old for me. I know when a man is interested and he definitely was. Sitting at the bar in the dimly lite burger place, glancing over any chance he got. It was cute really. Still he didn't make any grand moves which was a bit disappointing. I could use a new man to fancy me. Oh well, I hope things begin to pick up in the category of older men and my color will hopefully change to a steamy red. If you learn anything from this, don't let them bring you down. Even if you are, play it off as if you are fine and try to manipulate the situation. Talking too soon makes it messy and nothing is really resolved. My game plan is to back off for a while and I think he will come around. If not then it's not worth it. It's hard to keep the happy medium, but it's the only way to play the game.